I’ve been fascinated with the concept of fear lately, and how it affects our actions, reactions, and movement in our body, mind, lives. Our culture tends to think of fear as something “negative,” as something that we shouldn’t have. That instead of giving in to fear, we should control it, rather than let it control us or to change it into something “better,” something…non-feary. Now I’ve always been more inclined to the second option. Fear? Me? No way! I refuse to give in to fear. When tough challenges come my way, I blaze through and will myself to be brave and tough. I take a secret thrill in facing my fears head on- or so I thought. I mean, I did dance in a Burlesque show once just because showing my semi-unclothed body in front of a large, mostly anonymous public seemed the most logical way to get over any body-image issues. I was terrified every shaky shimmy down that walkway, but it was thrilling. (In hindsight I will say that I can recommend it, although I had the supreme luck of getting involved with one of LA’s coolest burlesque troops, and there’s a picture of my bejeweled panties on page 44 of the Velvet Hammer to prove it)
I’m taking a class with a Grinberg Method Trainer- Rivka Halbershtadt right now, and it is kind of blowing my concept of fear at the moment. What I’ve always thought of as “facing” fear, could actually be something more akin to avoiding and supressing fear. To not allowing myself to actually HAVE the experience of fear. Because what is fear, really, other than a flow of energy that can move us into new directions and action.
So, I had to ask myself..Fear. Friend or Foe? Allowing yourself to “have” your fear, as GM people like to say seems like foreign territory. I thought fear was the enemy, something we should annihilate from our lives. I tried having my fear, as they say, and realized (uncomfortably for me) it requires being vulnerable enough to admit that you have fears. This is a concept not too welcome in American society. We like to be the conquistadors of all things, our fears included. Or a more benign viewpoint would be to “change” your fear. Turn your fear into something ‘positive’. I’m not saying that changing fear isn’t possible, and I like that idea, but that also makes a very slight judgement on the idea that fear is something that actually needs to be changed. That we shouldn’t be fearful.
Now it seems there’s also a new option. To simply allow fear. To have it and revel in that gooseprickly, hair splitting feeling of not knowing what the hell is going to happen and being ok with it, without trying to change it, or make it less intense , or push it away, or overcome it. So I say…Fear- Friend. Maybe not your bff, and it can certainly be an asshole you want to punch, and sometimes it will make you cry and shake and want to stuff down with a carton of Haagen Daz Pralines and Cream, but…nein, let the fear flow.
But what does that mean on a practical level? It’s all well and good to tell someone to “have your fear.” Ok…do I have it with a side of fries? Eh, today I’ll have it with some salad. So what does it mean physically to “have your fear.” It feels to me that fear can reside in every cell of our body, but there are some trigger areas that every individual has in relation to their fear. A good way to gage your reaction to fear is to think back on a moment when you had intense fear…maybe right before an audition, an important interview, move to a new city, country, life. Ah, ok… for me, my diaphgram instantly tightens up like a clenched fist. No way any fear is getting up past that son of a bitch. It’s interesting to feel the tight pull on the diaphragm, stomach muscles, and also a tug on the throat and tongue and clenchy jaw. The saying- swallowing your fear – would appear to be more than just a stichwort. Physically my neck gets hard, my diaphgram tightens, and it creates a whole chain reaction throughout my body, of muscles, tendons and nerves adjusting and reacting to the physical blocks they are encountering. This is a body literally getting paralyzed on millions of micro-levels by fear, even though on the surface I still have what would appear to be full function of my limbs and body. Indeed, with a rock hard diaphragm I even feel “strong.” This is the normal state in which I’ve gone out to divide and conquer. It feels normal and safe even to be so tough and hardily prepared. This is me conquering my fear. But the longer I hold the tension, the worse I feel. Muscles are cramping, my face is twitching. This is not so nice.
So deep breath and I let go of the effort of holding tight muscles….ahhh. Warm, golden, buzzy flow of energy and also, the fear somehow no longer seems so…fearful, but rather exciting, inviting even, not something to be pushed down, or controlled away. There’s a thrilling pulse running through my veins and I could run out the door and do something wildly impulsive right now. I wonder how it would change things to enter into new situations with this feeling rather than the constricted one. An interesting topic to explore.
I think the only way to allow fear to flow is to become very intimately acquainted to what your physical reaction is to fear and to learn to let it go in the body. Physically. Not with ideas in the head or concepts from the brain, but through an actual experience in the body. Most of us can “stop” our fear with our minds, nay, even think we are allowing our fear, but it’s usually from a mental viewpoint that is disconnected from our bodies. So let’s stop the automatic physical reaction we have when facing fear and get comfortable with the unknown. Indeed these wise words learned in childhood from Smoky the Bear seem quite relevant on this topic as well. When facing fear- Stop (the reaction), Drop (the effort) & Roll (with it).
Fear- maybe my new BFF afterall.
Body Bliss Berlin 